Satisfaction - we can't get no.

Heh. With apologies (for the title) to Lord Lord Jagger and Lord Richards .

Yup. If I haven’t yet made it clear – I’m a writer. Or, maybe, someone who writes. Or someone who does a day-job, while not-writing, so he can write while not-doing-a-day-job . But there are other things I do when I maybe should be writing. And one of those things? Well, try not to hold it against me, but yes. It’s right there. Or, rather, right here. On the front page.

“If you know Bard Elcano, you know me. If you know a grumpy old dragon called Sephiranoth, you know me. If you know a tall, dark, handsome but brooding vampire, charming witty and brilliant - we never met. That's someone else.”

So there it is. My name’s Graeme Smith. And I’m an online gamer .

Now, I don’t know how much you know about online gaming. Mostly because I have no idea who you are. That’s what these blog things are like. Whoever you are, reading this, you could be just about anybody (Oh. And good morning, Your Majesty. Or good afternoon. Or good… um, well good-wherever-the-big-hand-is-pointing  ). And that, I guess, is a lot of the attraction of online gaming. Or maybe, like, reading! Because, for a while, that’s who you can be. Just about anybody .

What’s that you say? Did I have a point, and am I getting to it? Well – I thought I did. I’m sure I left it round here somewhere. Oh – there it is!

Point. As in, getting to. Right .

Now, one of the things about online games is that they generally have online places people, players, can post things. A bit like the comments people can post here. Or, maybe, I hope not so like. Because what people mostly post is – complaints. About how this particular game is nowhere near as good as some other game. About how the game developers never deliver what they promise, or how what they do deliver is nowhere near as good as anything the poster could have done. With their eyes shut. And one hand tied up behind their back. And the really strange thing? The really, really strange thing is, if they like the game as little as they say, the really strange thing is – they’re still there .

No, we really are getting there. The point, I mean .

One of those games I play – the one with the grumpy old dragon – I’ve been playing for a while. I’d say how long – but it makes me feel old. Sorry. Old-er . And, some time ago, there was a time when a lot of the type of people I talked about up there were making the types of posts I, um, just talked about. So I wrote something. Something to respond to them. And one of the players, someone I’d known for a while – well, they thought I was being one of those people. And they suggested I, um, just leave. Just go.

Heh. Maybe I just wrote it badly .

Anyway. This is what I wrote. So, if you’re out there Kumu – this is for you.

I tried to call the service desk. I really did. But I couldn’t find the number. I got out the user manual, and it did say how to get in touch with them. But the approved method seems to involve things that don’t half bugger up my knees. So I’ll try it this way. And you’d better be listening!

It’s not like I haven’t been patient already. I've been mumblety-mumble years of fardling patient! I've been a loyal player to date, but enough is enough. Your attitude is totally unacceptable and your product... Well, I could paper the walls of a very small room in my so called house with the things I could say about your product.

How anybody could issue a thing like this and call it finished is quite beyond me. It barely qualifies as a beta release! We're talking bugs, we're talking unfinished classes, we're talking totally %^&a;!@*-ed up parts of essential functions. We're talking lousy communications, broken promises from the devs...

OK. I'll stop ranting. You want examples? I got bloody examples. I got plenty!

Let’s take stuff that was promised, well from pre-release I guess. But certainly from when I started playing. Don't-need-to-math spells. Oh, yes. You had those DEC PDP-8 things. But they hardly lived up to the release hype. I had to lie on the floor doing math to work out the flip switches to start them up! You call that a castable spell? How come you didn't wait to release until you had those eight core thingies done? Noooo, you had to go right on and push to market. And broken dev promises? If I hear one more time 'Yes, we'll have fusion in 5 years time', I swear I'm gonna come round to your offices and sort out the dev spokesman. And that Model T transporter thing. Riiiiiight. I had to wait this long for the Porsche? Not that I could ever have one anyway... And how many times has my personal flying car been promised? Next release you say? Of course you do.

And speaking of coming round to your offices (something of an expedition, given I can't find the zip code never mind the contact details), quests. Quests! There was all that big thing about the RoT (Rite of Teenager™). What a crock that was! I went through that whole puberty thing, took me years to complete. What did I get? Hah! You nerfed my Oh-Isn't-He-Cute V and gave me Acne III. Oh, and Invisiblity X. Yay! Invisibility! So how come it only worked on girls? And then? I'd just about got the hang of Grunting XII and Lost-Homework XX, when you give me all sorts of big ideas about RoA (Rite of Adulthood™). So what then? You promise I'll lose the Invisibility to girls. Well, you sure delivered on that. So I get hoard leak as soon as they see me (you gave them the Evaporate Coin XXX didn't you?) and an endless grind to replace it! And bugs? Shaving! What's that all about, then?

And the economy! Where did that come from? Put simply, it just doesn’t work. I do the endless grind thing and my gold? What bloody gold? Even apart from the Evaporate Coin thing, that whole stock market deal? You're kidding, right? And plots? You want a plot in Washington DC, what, 500 square feet, no industrial zoning, where am I going to find a million gold? Oh, right. I could try the Enron exploit and that stuff, but that's not the type of player I am. Not that those that do things like that ever get Plague V or anything. Just sock their coins and move on. Oh, apart from that Trump player you gave Silly-Hair III to set an example. Well, that worked, didn't it? Not.

Ah, I don't know why I bother. The only reason I'm still playing is that, as if you didn't know, you've got about the only game on release. Well, just so you know. Soon as anyone gets a new one out, I'm quitting and taking my whole clan of, well, of... um... Well, I'm quitting ( when did you put that Invisibility thing back on with girls? I thought you'd got rid of that old bug!)

Well, the Hell with you. Yes, or the Heaven, I guess. You can stick your rotten game where the keyboard doesn’t type. I'm off to Istaria. At least I can fly there...

Disgusted, Reality One.

There. That was it. And wherever you’re flying these days Kumu – I know you didn’t mean it :-). But still. There it is. So what do you think, Your Majesty? Or any of you? The floor’s open. Thoughts? Comments?